I feel like everything is a struggle. I struggle to get out
of bed in the morning. I struggle to just try to show up for people. I struggle
to get everything done timely. Lots of fucking struggling.
Someone once said that nothing worth having comes easy, or
some bullshit like that. In all honesty lately, I don’t feel like anything has
come easy — hell, I don’t think anything is coming at all. I’ve had more
problems than I can think of lately. I feel like nothing is helping me and I
don’t know where else to go.
I don’t really trust people. And a lot of that has to do
with the poor self-image I have of myself — that I don’t think that I deserve
to be loved or liked or anything like that. I think it’s because I say stupid
things all the time. I don’t think about what I’m talking about, and I just
hurt people constantly. And then I get this feeling: I’m just useful to the
world and that’s it. No one actually likes me. They like the services that I
provide. They like the things that I can do. They don’t actually like how I
teach a yoga class; they just like it because it’s part of a package deal or
something.
And every time I try to conquer these thoughts and I try to
tell myself that I’m going to be okay, lately it just feels like I’m not going
to be. It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have tried
to really show up for people and they don’t see me. No one ever sees me.
I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to go on like
this. But I’m just gonna keep trying because people depend on me. I don’t wanna
let people down. I don’t wanna let myself down either, because if I give up,
then I won’t even know if I let myself down because I would be dead, and that
probably would suck.
Sorry to be so gloomy this week, but this is just how I’m
doing, so I won’t bullshit you and try to tell you that everything’s all roses
and shit. Things really suck for me right now — and they probably really don't
suck, but my brain is telling me they do. And when the brain is really trying
to weigh on you, it’s a really hard fight.
I’ll just keep on fighting. I'll win a round sometime soon,
I guess.
NMF
M
