You feel it. You sense it. You know it. There is something really wrong going on. We could sit here and talk for hours about the shit going on in humanity — and it's fucked up right now. But at this particular moment, I'm talking mainly about myself.
I find myself not really finding joy anymore. The joy I get is when I create things. When I talk about this. When I do my show. But outside of that, it's been kind of numb. Like there's nothing. I'm grateful for some situations that happened in my life, and those moments bring me joy. But outside of that, there's a lot of nothingness.
I thought that having today was why I grew my hair back out longer. I didn't like who I was when I had short hair. I didn't feel free. I didn't feel like I was living my best life. I felt like I was just like everyone else, soldiering on in survival mode.
And I feel like maybe everything is a façade. Sure, I grew my hair out. But did I grow my life?
In some ways, I did. I learned some basic maturity. I got some self-confidence. I do like myself a hell of a lot better than I did before. But a lot of that doubt, that insecurity, has been setting in as of late. It's been very difficult having anxiety, fighting depression. You know — just doing my part in the battle of life.
So I guess the thing for me is: what's the next step? What can I change that will be meaningful? Do I change the way I dress? The way I speak? What can I change?
And then I realize I don't have to change anything except my direction. My thought process. My perceptions. Ultimately, that's what's going to win the game.
But how do you change your perspective when you're in a very dark, cloudy place?
That is the mystery for me right now.
Full disclosure: I'm in Florida right now. First time in five years. And I honestly don't have the same excitement I used to have. That's part of the evolution of Mike, I guess. I do things to death until they bore me. Kind of like when you go on a food binge and eat all the sweets, all the bullshit, and then you have a huge stomach ache afterwards.
Maybe that's my problem. I don't know.
It's hard when I think about the trajectory of my life and the poor decisions I've made — how they've gotten me to the point I'm at now. But it's the faith and trust in myself that I can get to the next step. That's also what's gotten me to where I am right now.
When you spend a lot of time alone in your life, it's very easy to think about all these things. The solution isn't "oh, go run around a lot of people." The solution is perspective. I was once told by a wise man: he who holds the most perspectives holds the keys.
So I guess the solution is to get more fucking perspective.
That is all.
NMF
