For the first time in seven months today, I practiced Ashtanga yoga, which quite frankly was the baseline for my yoga teacher training. It also is probably one of the most gratifying, challenging practices when it comes to yoga. At its core, it's pure. It doesn't change. There is no creativity. You can't make the class cutesy. You just have to teach it as it is. Sure, there's the express form of it that many health clubs teach, but it still is the same sequence — the same sequence of breaths. And very much like time, it doesn't change. It doesn't criticize. It is just there for you to take a part of.
As people know, my yoga journey has been interrupted because I got caught up in a lot of the propaganda regarding many fitness brands hijacking the practice. I found myself questioning people going to yoga studios that I watched say some crazy shit about other students just trying to do their thing. I started to question what yoga was. I found myself not wanting to participate because I didn't want to be part of the problem. And let's face it — there are problems with the business of yoga. With the western version of it. And all that bullshit is something that I will talk about at a later date. But I wanted to talk about my experience today doing Ashtanga after a seven-month hiatus.
I really have been working on my health lately. My body weight. What I'm eating. How I work out. The amount of stress that I allow into my life. And I thought I was doing really good. My numbers are improving. But once I got into this class, I realized how much longer the road is. I found myself not being as flexible as I used to be, and although I feel like my body image has improved, I saw myself in the mirror doing some poses and I did not like what I saw.
I understand that this is the first time in a very long time that I participated in this. However, I feel like I was very hard on myself when I left class. I started reading the riot act about how I gave up on the practice. On how I let my personal opinions dictate the way I live my life. I think the one thing that I will say about taking Ashtanga today — it reminded me:
You are where you are at your journey, and that is OK.
You see, one of the things that are taught in yoga is ahimsa, which is non-harming. And that includes how we speak to ourselves. I remember once I said some real negative shit about myself during my yoga teacher training, and one of my fellow students really went after me. If she had a sword, she would've stabbed me for the way I spoke about myself. I remember saying how sad it was that someone stood up for me harder than I did for myself. I found myself saying all these negative things to myself today, and then remembering what I have learned. Ironically, we were learning Santosha, which means contentment in Sanskrit. There was no fucking Santosha today lol.
However, once I really got to sit down and have a couple minutes to think about shit, I realized all this that I am writing now. We are all a work in progress. We all can do better if we work harder. Part of that journey is not criticizing ourselves because we're not moving as fast as we would like, or the results aren't happening as quickly as we would like. It is all about slow and steady. Putting in the work every day, and little by little seeing the results take place.
It also was a huge slap in the head, telling me how I have let so much of what I've learned go over the last year. I started to forget exactly who I am, and also how to deal with conflict within myself. Ashtanga brought me back to that place today. After all the motherfuckers I gave myself, I started telling myself that I was an awesome motherfucker. I was a badass motherfucker — so those were motherfuckers. They were positive versus negative motherfuckers.
I don't think I've written motherfucker that many times in a paragraph from the time I was born, but there's a first for everything.
The point is — don't worry about what happened in the past. Don't worry about where you're at in your journey. Worry about the fact that you are participating. That you are growing. That you are working. That is the important part of all this shit. Always remember, there's always a chance for you to begin again. And always remember that everything is not fucked forever. And if it takes you going back to a practice that makes you twist and turn and move, and most importantly pay attention to your breathing, then by God, let that be the vehicle that takes you on the expressway to life into the sunset.
I know that's what I'm doing.
NMF
M
