Consistency has always been an issue with me. And I don't
know why. I really want to do things over and over again and develop patterns,
but my life is often chaotic and always moving.
I guess what I have to learn how to do is find the things
I'm really good at and continue staying disciplined with those things. For
instance, my working out has been very consistent. I go to the gym at least
five times a week. Sometimes six. And I see results starting to pay off. I also
stay on top of my scheduling at work lately. That's not where I've been falling
off.
What I really would like to do is start doing my intention
ceremonies that I keep saying I'm going to do. I do it once or twice a week and
then I forget about the other five days. Also, I really want my mood to be more
consistent, but that is difficult for me because of my mental health issues.
I feel like we all need help with consistency, especially
with mental health, because we need to be held accountable for when we act up
and when we fall off the train. Everyone falls off the train at some point, and
we have to give ourselves grace for that. But if we keep falling, then we have
to examine what the problem is.
For me, it is an unstable sense of self-worth,
defensiveness, and from what I have gathered with my last appointment, a lot of
fear. Of course there's the fear of abandonment, but there's also the fear that
people do not like me. This stems from a childhood issue where people really
just thought I was a weirdo and didn't want much to do with me. I would then
try to force issues and force people to be friends with me, and I've done that
pretty much my entire life. I found some people I didn't have to do that with,
and that was amazing.
I think it's kind of like I've heard in the yoga world, that
everything is a practice. We practice things every day. We just try to get
better and we try to do better.
I've also been very consistent with producing Breathe N
Bounce every Sunday for the last three years. Despite the fact that I don't get
that much attention for it, I still do it. I owe it to myself to do it, because
it's just as much for me as anyone who chooses to listen.
I really would love to be consistent with my mental health
and being stable. It is a goal of mine. I don't like being an asshole to
people, but it just happens because of how much stress I'm under. I also feel
like I have to rely on many people for many different days, and that is very
stressful. Furthermore, I am also responsible for a lot of those things, right?
It's a hard burden.
Nevertheless, I will keep working at it. I will keep going.
I will keep moving forward. Because in this life we have two options: stop or
go. And I will pick go every day, and twice on Sunday.
Hope you do too.
NMF
M
