Some people say they've experienced loneliness here and
there, but what's it like to experience loneliness all the time?
See, maybe you don't experience loneliness like someone like
me does. Loneliness for me is an emptiness that really cannot be filled,
because I feel alone all the time. I even feel alone when I am with people. I
feel alone when I'm by myself. It's just a feeling that I have, because there's
a hole inside of me of abandonment.
I feel that so many people have abandoned me in my life
because I'm different. Because I don't process well. Because I feel too deeply
and I can be outspoken. I can be excitable. I could be weird. And people might
say to my face that they like these qualities, but I feel that if I'm not
around, they're happier for it.
I feel that this loneliness has brought out a rage inside of
me towards people, because I just want to be seen and I want to be held and I
want to be loved. Then I start saying to myself, is it impossible to love me,
because maybe the way I want to be loved is different than the way people love?
I tried to stay positive, thinking everything's going to
work out and then I'll land on my feet. But something always brings me back to
this crash, and this feeling that my life is going to end at any given moment,
and when it does, I'm going to be all alone with no one around me. I feel like
I alienate people and they don't like me. And then I feel like when I find
people who do like me, I run away, because I'm afraid that their feelings for
me aren't real. I find myself these days thinking that nothing is real, that
everyone just plays games with me and wants something from me and doesn't
really like me.
I don't know where life's going to take me, but I feel like
I'm not in any positive direction, and that more people are just going to
leave, because I don't know how to get my shit together. I thought I was doing
well, but I'm not doing well at all.
Maybe one day things will change for me.
