As I get ready to move out of my apartment and back into my
house, it brings me back to a place that is quite painful. It's the place where
my downfall in life really began. The triggers. The memories. And now the
loneliness is going to make this experience a tough one for me.
You see, the house started off as a beacon of joy. It was
basically a new beginning. I just got married. Our kids were both going to be
starting in school, and they brought a lot of promise. But many dominoes
started to fall over.
For one, I completely lost my identity and didn't really
know who I was, and I was following trends and packs of people I saw in our
area and on social media. I also began to learn about the toxic nature of the
community that we were residing in. Sociological differences aside, it was not
welcoming. We had a very difficult time making friendships. We always found
ourselves catering to many people but never receiving any of that love back for
us.
And it took a toll on me, and I started thinking about all
the things I was doing, and I felt like my family was not acknowledging me at
all. The truth of the matter is my family were fighting their own battles, and
they needed me to step up and really be a rock and be a leader, and I failed to
do so. Instead, I fell apart and had a psychotic break.
I found myself becoming a much more abusive, abrasive
version of myself. And although I feel like I may have gotten over that hump
because I was a very bad person years before, I fell down and succumbed to
insecurity and weakness once again years later, and it would separate me from
my family. Many times, I wanted to take my life. I even hurt myself badly in front of my
family because my mind believed they didn't love me. Part of it was
manipulation, trying to get them to see me, which failed tremendously. The
other part was real. I wanted to die.
I've had to do a lot of soul-searching, internal fighting,
and trying to really find the parts of myself that were not serving me or
anyone else, for that matter. And what I realized was for the last 10 years, I
was not living life the way that I wanted to live. I'd turned into a suburban
family man, a people pleaser, trying to win affections of people in the area
that quite frankly it didn't matter if I had them or not. I had a beautiful
family, and I took that for granted. And I think there are a lot of men out
there who do become abusive and depressed because of that same thing. We end up hurting the ones we love because we
don’t show love to ourselves. We
question how we are and insecurity eats us alive and we turn into little bratty
bully kids.
I don't like to get into gender roles, but I do believe that
men play a leadership role in the house that's based on strength, willingness,
and keeping things stable, while the woman’s role brings tenderness to the home
along with a level of responsibility that cannot be matched by any man.
Although my situation has changed for the better, it doesn't change the fact
that I am back at this place, and it does scare me a little bit.
However, I look at it as an opportunity to change the
narrative of my time in this house. I look at it as a possibility to make this
a positive place rather than negative. When my family comes here, they come to
a place that's much more stable and welcoming rather than dark and depressing.
They come to see a father who is stable and consistent rather than angry and
spiraling. It is hard for us to admit when we hurt people and that we make people
feel bad. Looking in the mirror is like looking in the sun. However, if we ever
want to grow and be better, we must acknowledge our wrongs, and we have to work
towards a path of making it better. We
cannot be concerned about reconciliation or anything like that. We need to become whole for ourselves. Otherwise it just doesn't work.
I am walking that path, and I don't feel like I'm batting a 1000
every day, but I do feel like I'm doing better than I was, and a lot of it is
because I am living a more authentic version of myself than I was before. I
value my wife tremendously and give her grace for what she has been through
with me and the fact that she has the willingness to try to make this a healthy
relationship, and I also am working on a relationship with my children, showing
them that I am a father that can be counted on, not counted out.
Yes, coming back to this house brings back a lot of
feelings, a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety, but it also brings a promise of
continuing to rebuild myself. And I hope if you are someone that has wronged
your family as much as I have, that you get an opportunity to try to rebuild
and make things better. Nothing is ever
promised, but if we can change, anything is possible.
NMF
M
