Today was a very rough day for me. I’ve been feeling really
agitated for a while now, but today felt different. I felt like my brain was
jumping out of my skull—like I was moving, but I couldn’t stop.
Finally, one of my drivers spoke to me in a tone that really
triggered me. I got right on the defensive and then I completely flipped out.
You see, sometimes when we have disorders, we tend to hurt
people that we care about. And we do so not because we don’t care about them,
but because our minds play games with us constantly. We find ourselves at the
receiving end of one gigantic mind fuck day after day. We wake up wondering if
people actually like us or if we’re enough, and we start concerning ourselves
with the opinions of others.
It’s so easy to do that, especially when you have grown up
throughout your life not having very many people like you or care about you,
and then going through strife on a day-to-day basis with people you do care
about. It’s fucking hard.
And the worst part of all of this is what comes after the
episode: The shame.
Knowing that you might’ve hurt someone or really ruined
their day or turned a part of themselves upside down. You know you did it—not
because you wanted to on purpose, but because you couldn’t catch yourself in
the moment. Life travels fast and brain waves even faster. We have to learn how
to slow things down so we can respond respectfully and regularly rather than
react quickly and erratically.
It is a practice. It’s a practice that we do every day. And
on the days when we have shit days like I did today, we really feel bad about
ourselves. We start wondering what our place is on this slide and if we even
deserve to be here anymore.
I was in this place for about an hour after my episode
happened today. I did not even want to teach my class. But then I taught my
class. I had a new student show up and the class went well. Now, I’m going to
therapy to talk to my therapist about everything, and I’m sure we’ll come up
with some processing and maybe figure some shit out.
The point is, we cannot be hard on ourselves because we’re
mentally ill. We’re made that way for a reason and for a purpose. Perhaps it’s
these disorders that we possess that are our actual superpowers, and we can
make them work for us or use them to teach us how to be better.
The biggest reminder I can say in all of this is: Life
is a practice.
Sure, there are games that need to be played and you have to
be at your best, but you have to be at your best every day—not just for the
games, but for the practice. And just remember that being at your best looks
different every day. Sometimes your best is just getting out of bed. Maybe
sometimes your best is speaking in front of 500 people and just killing it.
Whatever it is, I hope you do well at it. As for me, I am
going to just do what I do best... and that is to begin again.
NMF
M
